Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


Jan 17 2011

"If I had wheels, how much would you pay to ride on me? Hmm? Not enough."

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"Stay monkey. Stay. Oh fuck, where did you go? Monkeeeeeeey? Monkeeeeeey! Stupid fuck face. MONKEY!"
 or click here

Those two were from the nest-egg, since we had no talking last night. (I LOVE "Stay Monkey".) But, here's what transpired this morning as I lay there in the early hours, working on my laptop, hoping to get something out of him:

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ADAM: (singing out into the silence) There's a liiiiiight over at my wife's laptop. There's a lii-iii-ii-iii-iiiiight, shining from her crotch— No, that's not right—
KAREN: I thought you were singing in your sleep. Now I'm disappointed.
ADAM: Piss off. ...Good morning.
KAREN: Good morning.
ADAM: (rustling from the foot of the bed) Molly, what are you doing?
KAREN: Awww.
ADAM: Bring her up here.
KAREN: Come on. Come visit with Daddy.
ADAM: Oh, I can smell you from here actually.
KAREN: It's her ears.
ADAM: Her brain smells.
KAREN: (to Molly) You have a rotten brain.
ADAM: A rat for a brain?
KAREN: Rotten brain!
ADAM: Rotten.
ADAM: Say it.
KAREN: Rotten.
ADAM: Rotten.
KAREN: (with exaggerated English accent) Rotten.
ADAM: Better. Say it. Say "better".
KAREN: (English) Better. B-E-T-T-A-H. Better.
ADAM: Better.
KAREN: No wonder your children cannot figure out how to spell -er words.
ADAM: That's 'cause they're dumb.
BOTH: (Laugh)


  1. I laughed at the "dumb kids" part... though I do hope they know he didn't mean it.

  2. haha! perfect way to wake up in the morning! I'd love it if my man sang rocky horror inspired lyrics to me.

    lol on the kids remark... of course, kinda hoping they 'get' their dad's humor...

  3. The way he shouts "Monkey!" at the end sounds a bit too much like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, when he shouts "Wendy!" (Which has always creeped me out, as my name is, in fact, Wendy.) Thanks, STM, for bringing that back. ;)

  4. today was hilarious indeed.

  5. Poor Molly :( I can't imagine how difficult it would be to be a dog with a rotten brain!

  6. It would figure you two are Rocky Horror fans. :) I semi-recently showed that movie to my fiance, who had never seen it. The plot actually made sense to him. I'm worried.

  7. lol See y'all pretend he's nothing like STM in the waking world but clearly the two aren't so separate as you'd like us to think. ;)

  8. Karen, I thought you were from the Boston area. If so, then you are very familar with the whole e-r to a-h ending thing, although it is so much more pleasant sounding with a British accent.

  9. I know where the monkey has gone, I KNOW!!17 January 2011 at 15:26

    stupid monkey!

  10. Molly probably has an ear infection if you can smell her ears. Sounds like a trip to the Vet. is in store. Then she can feel better and you guys won't have to smell her coming :o)

  11. yay rocky horror show re write

  12. I think that an STM dose into Frank N. Furter's character could only improve Rocky Horror.

  13. Molly, having floppy ears, probably needs a weekly cleaning out. When Audrey (who was a cocker spaniel) was alive the vet said to clean her ears - especially after a bath - with a 50/50 mix of rubbing alcohol and white vinegar. It helped with the smell and kept her from getting infections like "cocker ear" for a long time. As she got older and her immune system weaker she eventually had to get that surgery they do on cockers, but still she wasn't as bad as a lot of cocker spaniels get.

  14. now you have to report back that Molly has been to the vet and what the vet had to say etc.
    Clearly I'm not the only one disturbed that poor Molly is suffering from an ear infection.

  15. I agree with JamiSings

  16. Here we are with the dillema of the migrating consonants again: (I believe I have mentioned them before) The letter R migrates from north to south, causing northerners, such as Bostonians and English people, to "Pahk the cah" while southerners in Texas "warsh" theirs. I never say "warsh" though. My step dad does, and it bugs me to death. *sigh of a ninja*

  17. LOL at today's comments...

    As a vet, I'd have to agree that Molly probably has an ear infection - however DONT USE VINEGAR / ALCOHOL!!! Its an old wives tale - if the ears are irritated, it STINGS - imagine having a paper cut, or better yet, a rug burn, and dousing it with alcohol / vinegar - YIKES! Purchase some cleanser made to be gentle on ears. Or, your vet can Rx it to you after they figure out if Molly has yeast or bacteria or both ;)

    Thanks for giving me a much needed laugh after a crazy day at work...

  18. LOL I was babysitting my little cousins when i read this. I had to explain to them what an english accent sounds like...They have now been speaking in fake English accents for the better part of an hour...It's Hilarious...I feel bad for the blatant misbehavior of Adams dream monkey...have you thought about training classes.

    You guys make me laugh all the time. Let me try to make you laugh check my blog!
    The new posts about the evils of pandas and using nudity as a problem solving tactic

  19. I love STM, but is the morning wake up comments, or long drawn out conversations between a couple in their waking moments, not slightly taking away from the whole idea of the thing? I love the one liner comments from STM, but sometimes reading the conversations feels just, well ... strange! I don't know if its just me, but please just go back to the SLEEP talking man remarks.

  20. British English ignores Rs, while American English swaps T's with D's! I consider it a trade-off.

  21. it's not one way either, it's swapped! the brits pronounce words that end in 'a' with an 'er' sound. like media turns into 'medier'. odd.

    @anonymous - if you don't like the wake up conversations, don't read them!

  22. I absolutely adore your conversations! I am jealous of your relationship.